“The Donner Question” Day Three: Spock versus Picard

Welcome to today’s almost-all-celebrity edition of “The Donner Question,” known colloquially as “Who would you eat?” Today’s focus is Spock and Picard, but before we get there, let’s revisit Jon Snow versus Tyrion Lannister.

To the girl I panned yesterday for not knowing who Jon Snow and Tyrion Lannister are, I apologize. Turns out, you are in good company. Sandra Hess, Tricia Heifer, James Callis, Mat Fraser, James Urbaniak, and Greg Byrk are just as clueless.

Byrk accused me of “Throne-shaming” him and insisted “I have seen the Internet.” Though, he did admit to feeling a bit like Frankenstein (with the girl from yesterday being Frankenstein’s Bride) using antiquated technology.

He suggested large Scarlet Letter-like T’s for everyone not familiar with Game of Thrones attending Dragon Con. Byrk owns GoT seasons one and two on DVD, so hopefully he will return next year and not have to wear this surely-to-be-mandatory-official-Dragon Con adornment.

Most celebs did choose between the two after a bit of explanation. Hess chose Jon when her assistant described Mr. Snow as hot. Heifer went with Tyrion because she’d rather have the hot one alive. Callis and Urbaniak went with Jon because his meat would be tastier due to age and his “soulful quality.”

Fraser actually chose to eat Sean Bean (“the Yorkshire man” who was on GoT and died) over Peter Dinklage (who plays Tyrion Lannister) because he knows who those two are. So, by extension, he would eat Jon Snow (also, Fraser is wonderful to talk with, so stop by his booth at the Walk of Fame).

Barry “Dammit Janet, I love you!” Bostwick, who does know about GoT, chose Tyrion because Jon wears too many clothes. “I need to see what I’m going to eat. That’s half the joy in eating—being titillated by the appearance of your food.”

Scott Thompson would rather have Tyrion alive. “He’d be a great companion. You want a companion who’d be a funny drinking buddy. Also, Tyrion’s got too much bitterness and booze in him,” Thompson said.

Sorry, Jon. You lose again. Most people here at Dragon Con would eat you. The final score is 17 (Jon Snow) to 10 (Tyrion Lannister). So, it’s OK if you don’t return for season six of GoT—stay dead and have fun in the afterlife.

For today’s poll, Spock is a big loser. Six people would eat him to captain Picard’s three. Though, there were four draws.

“Can I have a little of each?” Bostwick asked. “A soupçon of Spock and a nibble of Picard?”

Graham Greene felt the same. “A bit of both. Some ribs and a hamSpock,” he said, clarifying that “[Picard] is pretty good with mustard and some relish.”

Heifer, on the hand, chose neither because she’s a vegetarian. “I would just die.”

Fraser, also a vegetarian, would rather eat Spock “because I have no idea what Vulcan meat is like. Also, when an animal is in its 60s, it’s not at its most succulent.” Touché.

Garret Wang disagreed. “Everyone knows Vulcan meat is too tough,” he said. “I’d rather eat human than alien, but who knows?” he said, beginning to doubt himself.  “Vulcan meat may actually taste like chicken.” Hmmm … interesting.

A couple of random people on the street echoed this. “I love Picard—I couldn’t eat him,” a girl dressed in normal attire said. “Maybe Vulcans have a special flavor, but I don’t know. It’d be green.”

Urbaniak described Spock as “the hammiest” while Hess would pick Spock “because I’m hoping some of brains and smarts would go into my body and mind—like a mind meld.”

Also, a couple of people pointed out that Spock would accept the fate of becoming food better because of his logic and lack of emotion. He’d be totally Zen about dying to ensure the survival of humanity—what a great guy.

The Picard-eaters are Callis, Thompson, and a random attendee.

“Only because I could rely on Spock with his intelligence,” Callis said. “Also, Vulcan fillet? I’m not so sure.”

“Picard sounds like ‘piquant,’ which means tasty in French” Thompson said.

Again, non-Americans continue to be uninformed on the legend of the Donner Party, which makes me wonder why Americans are, mostly, strangely proud to know the story—what a bunch of weirdos we are.

Author of the article

Kelly McCorkendale is a dog-lover, avid quilter, and occasional creative writer who loves the color orange and boycotts cable (except Game of Thrones because, well, what if winter is coming!?). After college, she realized poets weren’t in demand, so she shipped off to Madagascar with Peace Corps. Since then, she’s found a niche working on health systems in Africa but has a long-list of life tasks yet to be fulfilled--such as perform blackmail, learn a trade, and become a competitive eater. She has an MA in International Education, believes rice is the elixir of life, and, in high school, won the best supporting actress honor for the state of Missouri. She may also recite poetry (her first love) when imbibing in alcohol.