“The Donner Question” Day Two: Lord Varys versus Littlefinger

Today’s version of this highly unscientific and morbidly gross poll was a tie!

People would eat Littlefinger and Lord Varys in equal measure (don’t worry I also continued the Jon Snow/Tyrion Lannister pairing, and Jon is making a late-game surge in the race for survival).

Lee from Alabama would eat Lord Varys because he believes “if you have Littlefinger on your side, you’ll win.”

This pretty much sums up the dilemma with the coupling: which wily strategist would be more valuable to you dead than alive. Truly thoughtful people chose to knock off Littlefinger, but people more concerned with their palates chose a barbequed Lord Varys.

Siding with Lee was pretty much the whole cast of Bitten. Greyston Holt believes Varys’ “lack of testosterone would make his meat taste better” and that he might be “doughy and soft on the inside.” Michael Xavier agreed. Steve Lund was not really into the question. And though they all found this to be a great question, they stressed it was not the weirdest they’ve had here at Dragon Con.

Kristian Nairn, who plays Hodor in Game of Thrones, had a similar feeling, saying that Varys looks tender and juicy. “There’s more there to love. More meat. Littlefinger would be tough, chewy, stringy, and sh*tty. People without their testicles retain their juices more.”

I’m not sure, scientifically, how testosterone (the lack or overabundance of) would affect ones taste, but it seems like the Bitten cast and Nairn came to very different conclusions.

Mary from Tampa (who I actually spoke with yesterday) said, “Oh, Littlefinger all the way despite that Varys would taste better.”

“[Littlefinger] is cunning, and I’d never know what his interventions were, but he’s not as meaty, though Lord Varys has more fat. Have you ever tried to cut fat off a steak?” said my panel seat-neighbor, who really reasoned out the query. He settled on Littlefinger, but his girlfriend chose to eat Lord Varys from a purely survival standpoint.

Omari Newton from Continuum gave the question a long, thoughtful pause before choosing Littlefinger—who his associate correctly classified as a sociopath—and saying “I feel like Littlefinger is evil at his core, and I value strategy over brute strength.” He likes Lord Varys’ brand of strategy.

Newton was insulted that anyone would ever ask him to eat Tyrion Lannister. “He’s my man. I’d roll with him. He’s my homie.”

The magnanimous Julian Glover, who plays Grand Maester Pycelle on GoT, said, “Oh, absolutely Littlefinger! Limb-from-limb. I would crush his bones.” If ever stranded on a desolate island, stay away from Mr. Glover.

Between Jon and Tyrion, Glover would eat Tyrion “because he’d be so tasty. I like Tyrion.”

The men of Middle-earth, Stephen Hunter and Dean O’Gorman (who were great sports when I asked which of their cast mates they’d eat first during their morning panel), were a mixed bag of eaters. Hunter chose to eat Littlefinger and Tyrion. O’Gorman chose Tyrion because he has better hygiene (what???!!!) and was too disgusted by Lord Varys and Littlefinger to choose.

O’Gorman also clarified that he’d actually eat Richard Armitage from The Hobbit series because he’d have “lots of lean meat and be high in protein content.” He then compared several cast mates to a bad turkey you’d catch in the wild.

A random dinosaur handler is pretty sure his dragon would eat Jon or Tyrion.

But, a girl dressed as a character from Atlantis won the day. She didn’t know a single character from Game of Thrones.

Author of the article

Kelly McCorkendale is a dog-lover, avid quilter, and occasional creative writer who loves the color orange and boycotts cable (except Game of Thrones because, well, what if winter is coming!?). After college, she realized poets weren’t in demand, so she shipped off to Madagascar with Peace Corps. Since then, she’s found a niche working on health systems in Africa but has a long-list of life tasks yet to be fulfilled--such as perform blackmail, learn a trade, and become a competitive eater. She has an MA in International Education, believes rice is the elixir of life, and, in high school, won the best supporting actress honor for the state of Missouri. She may also recite poetry (her first love) when imbibing in alcohol.