Drunk History Trades Accuracy for Fun

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The Daily Dragon is not responsible for the accuracy of the history contained in this article. Do not quote us in an academic paper. You will fail. Unless you are writing an academic paper on drunk history. In which case, we are a citeable, credible source.

Also: Because this is a family-oriented publication, asterisks have been inserted to indicate *substitute your favorite curse words here.*

If you’re a fan of history(ish), steampunk, Nikola Tesla, the alcohols, and having all the funs, then this is the article you are looking for. That covers at least one thing everyone’s interested in, right?

A standing-room-only crowd joined the Alternate History track for an hour of “Drunk History” and audience pantomiming participation in the Sheraton Athens room on Saturday at 10PM.

The Story of Joan Arc—as retold by Ladyhawk from Steampunk’d, and reenacted by several attendees

This Joan of Arc chick was a peasant, and she was, like, maybe a minor. Maybe not. Who knows? She had these wicked dreams. She went to the Crown Prince and was like, “Yo, I need you to help me win this 100-year battle,” and she went, “Yeah, I can *forking* do that!”

The Crown Prince ordered her to go to New Orleans and win this *snorkel* for him. Joan assertively answered, “Oh, OK. I can do this. I can do this.”

She goes there riding her *fabulous* horse. She goes. She goes. She goes. There’s whipping. (Of the horse, jeez.)

She rode that horse. She won that *fairy* battle.

The next thing we know, she goes to the Crown Prince, but these two evil *frittata* dudes kidnap her. (Thank you to the evil-looking audience dudes that multiplied into three evil dudes.) They kidnap her. Tie her to a dancing pole (thank you to the dancing-pole attendee). Then set her on fire (thank you orange-shirt guy mimicking inflatable creepy dancing tube thing) on the dancing pole.

And that was how she became the maiden of New Orleans, and has been, since 1920.

How Switzerland accidentally invaded Lichtenstein multiple times—as retold by Andrea La-Rosa from Alternate History panels, and reenacted by different attendees

Thank you to our reenactors for this story, who included a small, but scary, volunteer for Lichtenstein, a country that’s about twice the size of Manhattan, a nice guy playing Switzerland, and some trees, villagers, and lost soldier boys.

There have been a couple of awkward instances over the years between Lichtenstein and its neighbor Switzerland. These are a few of the more laudable, and straight-up unbelievable, tales.

In December 1985, the Swiss Army was testing rockets, and they *fishing* missed. They set the whole forest that is Lichtenstein on fire. Like, 80% of the entire country is forest. They set it on fire. Swiss are like, “Sorry.” Lichtenstein is like, “Sorry? You *fudging* burned down our whole country, pretty much! All we have as our main export. We’re not going to take your sorry.”

Sometimes “sorry” isn’t good enough.

There was a super intense meeting between the countries, but Switzerland brought crates of wine! So, Lichtenstein conceded and said, “You know what, it was an accident. If you paid us back, we’d be good. Pay us back.”

Everything was all good for a few years.

Then, once again, the Swiss army is practicing and getting into formation, or whatever, and they accidentally wandered into a Lichtenberg city that’s like 50 miles inside the country. They’re there for something like nine hours practicing their formations. Without even noticing.

Finally, the villagers come out all, “What the *ferret* are you doing?!” The villagers wander over, tap the general on the shoulder and ask, “What the *hornet* are your people doing here?”

The general replies, “We’re practicing. Practicing.”

Mob of villagers, “You’re not in Switzerland. You need to go home. Go home.”

The Swiss army goes home and responds with, “My bad. My bad. Sorry we accidentally invaded you guys. My bad. We’re good, right? We’re cool, right?”

Lichtenstein decided they’re idiots, “Oh well, we’re cool. No harm no foul.” Switzerland apologized officially and internationally.

Everything was all good for a few more years.

Until March of 2007, when the Swiss army accidentally invaded Lichtenstein. Again. For days. They had no idea that they were in the completely wrong country. Eventually they discovered their own error and turned themselves in to Lichtenstein saying, “We’re sorry. We don’t know how this keeps happening.”

The Lichtenstein government responded with this super passive-aggressive quote: “It’s not like they invaded with packed helicopters or burned down our forests. No problem. These things happen.”

The story of Nikola Tesla—as told by Karianne Gottschalk from Steampunk’d, and badly not-so-mimed-mimed by the British-officer-dressed guy, the physics teacher, and Gandalf the Grey

This story was cut short by the British army.

Tesla was coined as the first mad scientist. He studied engineering and could do calculus in his head. Like other great mad scientists, he flunked out of college in his third year because of gambling, but that’s beside the point.

Tesla went to Paris to work for the Thomas Edison Company. Edison was so impressed with him that he brought Tesla with him to the Americas. He had worked hard and started working directly with Edison. Tesla had been troubleshooting all that *schmuck* in Paris.

Edison was trying to figure out how to light this entire town, and he went over to Tesla all, “Hey bro, I’m trying to figure out how to do all this *skunk* because I can’t figure out how to light this entire town. You should figure out how to light it up! I can’t do it.”

Tesla: I can do it.

Edison: I can’t do it.

Tesla: I’m going to do it.

So then, Tesla works his *axe* off and actually figured it out. Edison busts out with, “I don’t like this dude’s smarts. I don’t want him to figure this *sammich* out. I’m the ruler of all this electricity.” So, instead of giving Tesla the modern-day equivalent of two million dollars, he shelved it.

Fast forward. “*Fridge* you, Tesla. I’m the ruler of the electricity *shake*,” Edison exclaimed, “I’m going to show you how dangerous this Tesla electrical *shirt* is.” (In comes Gandalf the Gray) Edison said, “Holy *stint*. This Tesla *salt* alternating current is no good. I’ll show you how it’s no good.”

So next, Edison starts zapping the *sideboob* out of all these elephants (sorry, Gandalf). So Tesla freaks out: “OMG, Edison you’re such a *doorknob*, you just killed half the elephants because you’re an *aardvark* hole.”

Tesla does a lot of cool *snot* and dies in a New York hotel loving all of the (Gandalf) pigeons.

About the author

Alicia Pack Not everyone can say they watch television for homework, read novels for inspiration, and are paid to follow what’s trending. For Alicia Pack, it is all part of life as a writer and media enthusiast.  When she isn't lost in the world she is trying to create, you can find her with her nose in a book or catching up on her favorite supernatural shows.  She has a Master’s degree in Mass Communications and a Bachelor’s degree in Radio, Television, and Film.  Her nine years of diverse media experience include news writing, copywriting, website content management, social media, promotions, television production, and teaching.

Website: http://www.aliciarpack.com/

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