An exuberant crowd shuffled into the Hyatt Galleria 7 on Friday evening at 7PM. Greeted by beings handing out small slips of paper and pencils, humans found their seats and immediately started scribbling. What, you might ask, were they so desperate to record? Why, their Vogon poetry, of course.

The “3rd Annual Vogon Poetry Slam!” was presided over by Prostetnic Vogon Rob, Less Than Prostetnic Andrew, and Very Less Than Prostetnic Ryan. Those in attendance were ordered to line up in order to share their poems with everyone. The poems ranged from really good to truly horrible.

Many poets reached back to their pubescent days to explore subjects such as stained underwear, pooping, gross smells, wedgies, and often utilized the word moist. The audience reacted as Vogons (from Douglas Adams’ classic The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, for the uninitiated) would be expected to with much booing (and a great deal of laughing).

Unfortunately, time ran out before all contestants were able to share their masterpieces. Prostetnic Vogon Rob implored those who hadn’t performed to leave their poems behind to be posted on their Facebook page. After a brief deliberation, the judges chose the winners.

Third Place: Tiny Human Helen, who performed her piece, “Laundry Lunatics.”

Second Place: Human Marty, who performed a piece in a language derived from French and gibberish.

First Place: Human John, who exuberantly performed his family’s ancient Irish tome, “A Ballad of Boiled Eggs and Broccoli.”

Congratulations to all the winners! Though everyone in attendance was a winn… No, we all mostly lost.